I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
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Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Nice try, poison.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.