@behindyourback

I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense

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@AbbyHasIssues

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

@WilliamAder

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

@playneck

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

@oxygenplug

Can’t wait for the release of Jurassic Park 4D where they just let dinosaurs loose in the theater and you have to try to survive for 2 hours

@meowsepink

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

@adamgreattweet

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

@radtoria

Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.

@NYC_Blonde

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.