I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
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I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
The booster protects against what, now?
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.