I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
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The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
At least try to make it slightly believable
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Bed should get ready for ME
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!