If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I wish I were this cool 😂
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear