me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
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My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
couldn’t resist
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.