i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
You Might Also Like
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.