@stockejock

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

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@McKnightyBoo

It’s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don’t feel like listening to people anymore

@BellPupper

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

@LittleMissAngr1

Excited to announce that I am running for city council! Oops, typo. I am running from city council!

@roobeekeane

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

@UnFitz

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

@mom_ontherocks

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.

@AnOrangeSNES

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

@starwarsshirt

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

@lisaxy424

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.