I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
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I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
#Caturday
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids