I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
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You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
From Facebook just now…
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”