‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
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Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium