@bingowings14

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

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@justaride

please tell me that when we defeat ISIS they will have to become WASWAS

@JayTuvz

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

@HatfieldAnne

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

@WilliamAder

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

@SuchaDumbWorld

No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.

@CodyJP9412

GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son

GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..

@jngraphs

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

@david8hughes

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

@SteveKoehler22

Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.