i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
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I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My birthstone is kidney
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee