I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him

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Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.


*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.


I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.


They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”


*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?


judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here


[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*


[tattoo parlor]


“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“


“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”


I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”


Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.