@zachreinert03

I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him

You Might Also Like

@LoveNLunchmeat

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

@Ideal_Victoria

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

@mellimelle

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

@rosssutherland

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

@TheAlexNevil

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

@pilau

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

@FredTaming

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

@UncleDuke1969

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

@caseytduncan

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

@WilliamAder

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.