@zachreinert03
I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him
@evanwilliams
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?
RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?
RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.
RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.
@WheelTod
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
@suzieQ0007
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
@MadamBetteNoire
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
@PyrBliss
Just thought about sex for the 100th time today, and let me tell you, it’s definitely NOT the thought that counts.
@jazmasta
Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I’m sticking to my guns.
@david8hughes
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
@mattgallo123
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
@DuhhEmma
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….
@MattMelvin
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.