Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
congratulations to them
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late