I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him

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RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: You know what your website needs?

RESTAURANT OWNER: A clear way to contact us and reserve a table?

RESTAURANT WEBSITE DESIGNER: A 3,000 word ‘our philosophy’ section.

RESTAURANT OWNER: (nodding) Let’s not even put our phone number on the website.


I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”


My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.


Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.


Just thought about sex for the 100th time today, and let me tell you, it’s definitely NOT the thought that counts.


Everyone said it was a bad idea to store glue in the same cabinet as my rifles but I’m sticking to my guns.


[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”


*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket


Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….