“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
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ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Just got to our Airbnb!
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready