I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
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Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.