I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
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Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
me working on my assignments ^-^
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Favourite diary entry ever
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too