I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
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I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Sponch
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.