I’m really surprised I decided to get Botox. At least I think I’m surprised, I can’t really tell.

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Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.


Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*


My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.



wife: i think we should have children

me: [disappointed] but I wanted pizza


I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.


Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said


Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single


A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.