I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
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Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one