I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
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WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Smooooooth
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.