I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

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My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?

Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)


“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”


A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.


Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem


[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”


Went to a restaurant. The sign said “breakfast anytime.” So I ordered French toast during the renaissance


*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow


The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them


*Putting ikea furniture together*
Her: ummm, it’s supposed to be a dresser
Me:* Standing next to a wooden T.Rex* I KNOW WHAT IM DOING, LINDA