I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
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I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
You wish you had this many chins.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
*Inspirational Tweets*