A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
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I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.