@TuffyNyC

I’m responsible for the deaths of 100’s local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!

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@markleggett

People who push and shove to get on a flight before other passengers are possibly going to get to their end destination one second faster.

@UnFitz

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

@Jake_Vig

Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?

@ambamthankyamam

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

@pixelatedboat

Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter

@BoozyMusic

My new cat, John Cena, wants me to remind y’all to never let your kids name your pets.

@AmberTozer

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

@robdelaney

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

@Havish_AF

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

@CopBroughtPizza

[car dealership]

“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”

fred flintstone: i’ll take it!