@TuffyNyC

I’m responsible for the deaths of 100’s local singles in my area. They were dying to meet me & I did nothing. I did nothing!

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@pterotactful

poseidon: has anyone seen my trident

zeus: the spearmint or tropical fruit

@AmishPornStar1

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

@thepunningman

Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor

@Sassafrantz

Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.

@BGH70

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

@mack44_d

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

@internetluke

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

@AlanFelyk

I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.