I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
You Might Also Like
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Sounds like a bargain
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name