I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
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Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.