#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
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Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Dune (2021)
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
If snakes were wide
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks