I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
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[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
choose your fighter
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.