I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
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[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine