I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
You Might Also Like
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary