@jameshamblin

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

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@Stellacopter

Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.

@1Bad_Scientist

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

@c12h22o11balls

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

@TheWeirdWorld

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

@McKelvie

How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are

@hilaryfairie

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

@TheAlexNevil

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

@Eliixoo

“Are you drinking again?”

No,it’s just tea

“What kind of tea?”

Tea-quila

@NJPsychDoc

My stages of drunk:

1. You’re UGLY
2. You’re HOT
3. You’re BEAUTIFUL

4. Your HONOR in my defense……