“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

You Might Also Like


Imagine falling in love with someone and finding out they raise their hand at the end of a long boring meeting to ask a question.


Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.


[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot


Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.


How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are


Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…


Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.


“Are you drinking again?”

No,it’s just tea

“What kind of tea?”



My stages of drunk:

1. You’re UGLY
2. You’re HOT

4. Your HONOR in my defense……