Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
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PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Ion see the issue
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife