I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
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I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
All excellent questions
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza