@shopkins776

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”

@sonictyrant

[my first poker game]

OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*

ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you’re history buddy

@Whymze

[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.

@UnFitz

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

@JennSlowpez

My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.

@Gupton68

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

@longwall26

It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.

@ohgeorgeishere

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

@Tired_Dad_of_2

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

@Brianhopecomedy

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.