I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

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I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”


[my first poker game]

OPPONENT *checks cards, and does jazz hands*

ME: *muttering to myself* once i know your tell you’re history buddy


[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.


Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”


My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.


I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.


It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.


If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.


4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.


I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.