I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
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Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.