Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
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The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Going to church you guys need anything
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
fr
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
cat vs inanimate object
Yaba daba do not resuscitate