@FuckabillyRex

I’m seducing you. Do you feel seduced? Tell me when you’re seduced, even if it’s just a little. Do you want some macaroni? Are you seduced?

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@sophielou

Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….

@Bratterina

Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

@Bownuggets

Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper

@vikkaroni

You’re never too old to throw random shit in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

@vineyille

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

@Super70sSports

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

@Breadery

Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.

@DanMentos

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants