I’m seducing you. Do you feel seduced? Tell me when you’re seduced, even if it’s just a little. Do you want some macaroni? Are you seduced?

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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….


Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.


Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?


Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper


You’re never too old to throw random shit in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.


[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo


Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.


Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.


Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants