Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
You Might Also Like
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.