I’m selling my air guitar. The case is not included.

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My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle


One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?


Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won’t accept your coupon.


If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.


[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat


me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son


I have the body of a 25-year-old girl, a 25-year-old who has recently been eaten by a 40-year-old bear.


Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas