@_TheBadDad

I’m selling my air guitar. The case is not included.

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@bridger_w

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

@chudneyspears

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

@delusions_of

Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won’t accept your coupon.

@better_off_dad

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

@nbadag

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

@TheHatStore

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

@Heather2Go

I have the body of a 25-year-old girl, a 25-year-old who has recently been eaten by a 40-year-old bear.

@jctwritesstuff

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas