@Mike__Lee

I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.

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@AnOrangeSNES

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

@JasonLastname

It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face

@Brianhopecomedy

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

@Circuitouslife

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

@MissHavisham

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

@shut_uup

Yeah I pee in the shower, but not while I’m in it

@upsidedowntrash

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

@puffin7911

When I say to my kids “sit here and watch cartoons” they hear “come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy.”