I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
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cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit