I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…