I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
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Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
so much to do
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit