Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
True
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture