I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
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where’s Godzilla when we need him
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.