Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
he was correct
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!