I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
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The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
constantly working on myself.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”