I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
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I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is