I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
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I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.