I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
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The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”