@raymondh3h3

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

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@Dawn_M_

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.

@mortimermaiden

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

@robfee

The Ghostbusters are women?! This totally compromises the integrity of a story about battling evil marshmallows while dressed like a janitor

@ItsAndyRyan

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

@KingRainhead

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

@Sassafrantz

[date]
Me: Are you a serial killer? You have to tell me if you are.
Him: That’s a cop.
Me: Changing the subject, just like a serial killer

@TweetPotato314

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

@JermHimselfish

As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”

@Ty_Schutz

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.