My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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Manager: You’re fired.
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
The Ghostbusters are women?! This totally compromises the integrity of a story about battling evil marshmallows while dressed like a janitor
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Me: Are you a serial killer? You have to tell me if you are.
Him: That’s a cop.
Me: Changing the subject, just like a serial killer
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
As you get older, dirty talk turns into “Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it…”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.