I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting