I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

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Monsters won’t stop chasing me.
I don’t wanna play today dammit!


[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys


Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure


WORM 911: what’s ur emergency


WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.


*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?


I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.


It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now


COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”