Monsters won’t stop chasing me.
I don’t wanna play today dammit!
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
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[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”