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@raymondh3h3: I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
@slimmy_shady: Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
@Sassafrantz: [Ghost Hunters]
This ghost is a male, probably in his 40's
-how'd u figure that out?
He went bat shit crazy when we turned the thermostat up
@behindyourback: *a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
@Mom_Overboard: If I ever faint in front of you, don't panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
@peteholmes: "When I call your name say 'omnipresent.'" - teacher to class full of Gods