I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
You Might Also Like
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set