I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…