I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

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My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.


Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.


4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep


My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.


I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.


“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf


Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.


What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.