@Jordan_Morris

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

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@Donna_McCoy

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

@TheMichaelRock

Computer: do you want to save the changes?

Me: I….I didn’t make any changes…OMG DID I MAKE CHANGES

@aguywithnolife

#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.

@causticbob

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

@ilovepie84

They say rabbits don’t have glasses because they eat carrots. They also don’t have thumbs. I like my thumbs so i don’t eat carrots.

@Marlebean

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

@finn_viqueen

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

@krisv_723

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

@longwall26

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED