@Jordan_Morris

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

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@brianbowman73

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

@KevinFarzad

Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.

@PaperWash

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

@dumbbeezie

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

@dafloydsta

I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.

@Pat_Bren

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

@AndyAsAdjective

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

@beefman138

What’s your stance on public intoxication?

Mine is very wobbly.