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@fightforfood: I'm sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
@figgled: [to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
@TheReal_AndyMac: My phone will never let me forget the day I texted "hahajaha".
@AndrewNadeau0: LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
@whtedaisy: Hubs: How long has your car been doing that?
Hubs: The engine smoking at a stoplight?
Me: I dont know, I look at my phone at lights.
@TheSomeGuyShow: If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.