I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
tourist season
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
started wrapping my pills in cheese
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant